The Desi Hogwarts

What if Hogwarts was based in our country? Would it be the same as JK Rowling’s Hogwarts? Definitely not! I will let you know about the variations later but first let me tell you about the birth of this weird idea in my mind. I am at my hometown these days and a visit to the DVD store (read: Pirated DVD store) gave me a chance to witness the murder of some superb Hollywood movies with equally pathetic Hindi dubbing. Anyway, I took a Harry Potter movie and I came to know that the genre of the movie is not drama, magic or thriller but ‘Comedy’.
So, when Harry Potter asks his friends to go out for a ‘Bhel Puri’ instead of a Butterbeer, I was laughing and crying at the same time and the idea of a Desi Hogwarts came running to me.

Do you think that in a country of billions ‘being special’ would be enough to qualify for the prestigious institute of Hogwarts? Oh no! There would be a tough entrance examination for which you will have to burn the midnight oil for two years mugging up the spells and the book of Hogwarts: A history. Then you shall secure a seat at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. There will be a reservation quota for the Muggle born witches and wizards. Even the wizards having a better score than the Muggles will have to live the rest of their lives as Squibs.
The Sorting Hat? What is that? There will be only two houses i.e. ‘GIRLS’ and ‘BOYS’. That is because the thought of girls and boys living under the same roof with a common study room is too much to ask in India. Snape will still be the worst teacher of the school but not because he is a bully and targets Harry but because he thrashes the s**t out the children for every silly mistake they make during the Potions class.
Broomsticks will still be used by the underpaid Squibs to clean the corridors rather than to fly in the air. Because in India no other game than cricket is tolerated by the masses. The only thing magical about the game will be that it will be played in mid air. And Hagrid will continue to live in a hut with no bathroom (No wonder he is not scared to go in the forest).
Kissing!! And that too in school! Are you nuts? There shall be a strict dress code in the school and any couple found kissing shall be summoned to the Headmaster’s office with serious consequences. (Not to mention the multiple howlers the ‘offender’ shall receive from his/her family). The Great Hall will serve the same food again and again and yet again for all the three hundred and sixty five days a year. Hermione will refuse to eat the food because the food will be prepared from child labor instead of elves.
And Harry’s job would be to break in the ‘Chamber of Corrupts’ because the money from the 2G scam is hid by the trustee in that chamber. All he has to do is to bribe the guard and go inside with a lot of media men. The trustee will be sent to Azkaban. And yes! He is the star kid in India too. And old Voldemort, along with his Death Eaters is sulking somewhere in the neighboring country and waiting to be SEALed because his organization has been declared a terrorist organization by the Ministry of Magic.
Even after all this the exams will never be cancelled in India and OWLs will be as tough as ever. And Harry, after spending countless nights mugging without sleeping a wink, may receive a rude reality check in the form of a report card. And things will move on this way till he finally completes his school. He will take a sign of relief. But I am sure he will not be very happy when the job interviewer shall say, “Oh! Mr. Potter, I believe you forgot your college graduation certificate at your home. It’s just the school report card in here. This much is not sufficient in India”.
And yes, I don’t blame you if you feel like doing an Avada Kedavara on me after reading this because:
1. That is what an Indian Hogwarts is capable of doing to everyone.
2. You are holding the wand pointing towards you. Surely your schooling is from the Desi Hogwarts.
  • Anonymous

    Great commentary in disguise on the GREAT INDIAN EDUCATION SYSTEM!Well done!

  • Haahaa… Now this was refreshingly good!

    Corruption, reservation, education and so many more "tions" cleverly interwined in that punch of humour and sarcasm.

    I loved the part about hagrid not being afraid of the forest. Rofl!

    Plus m sure the headmaster would be someone with great political backup! someone who reminds of… Dolores Umbridge!

  • CN Rao

    Indians have an examination system but not an education system… When will young people stop taking exams and do something worthwhile?

  • Anonymous

    Yeah !!! Indian Education System SUX big tym!!!

    Its like study, write exams, pass/fail
    pass : ur great.
    fail : ur good fo nuthn!!!

    I HATE IT.

  • Anonymous

    Ohh….yes..the funniest part is dat,,fast 5's hindi version is Raftaar ka Junoon… can u bt that?

  • Tanmay

    @anonymous: Thanks a lot! 🙂 I am glad you got the reason that I wrote this piece!
    @aersh: Thank youuuu bro! 🙂 Even I was laughing very hard when I thought about that Hagird and the forest line 😀 Nd yes! Dolores Umbridge will be a top contender for the job..aftr all she is from the ministry!

  • Tanmay

    @CN Rao: Do we have any other option? If we have to 'survive' in this competitive atmosphere we cannot do what ever we want! If a youngster doesn't get a good insti then he himself feels so dejected nd left out! But on the other hand I am glad that many people are considering other careers apart from the stereotyped ones! I hope it continues! 🙂

  • Tanmay

    @anonymous1: I know! It is unjust..but we can't help it either! The only way to keep our other talents alive is to pursue then as a hobby apart from studies..
    @anonymous2: LOL 😀 Dat is really pathetic…raftaar ka junoon! Nuthng can beat dat!

  • Anonymous

    Tanmay, your article reminds me of 'Mohabbatein' where the enormous 'parampara' man never allowed a wink of love or romance in his super gurukul! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Boom Boom Bang Bang… Is education system ka band bajao, which does not allow us masti!!!

  • @anonymous1: Oh! I almost forgot about dat movie 😀 Exactly! It was an overdose of 'parampara' in dat Gurukul!
    @anonymous2: Haha! Bring it on! Boom Boom Bang Bang 😀

  • Anonymous

    Hey, ur knowledge of Rowling is perfect; could go for research into the area!

  • Tanmay

    Thanks a lot! Reading each book at least 10 times will do that to you! 😀 Well as far as research is concerned I had once advised a student to do his PhD in this topic! He liked the idea and I hope he did well…Personally I'd like to research on Ayn Rand or Plato because they appeal a lot to me..still going through their works! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Innovative topics for research coming up! Let Indian universities wake up to original research topics and methods!

  • Tanmay

    😀 hope so!