The chalkboard, or blackboard, is possibly the most important learning tool teachers have to educate students from the elementary through the college level. But, from my observations as a student, I think the chalkboard, and its many accessories, are being mismanaged and misused by teachers. Because of this injustice to the chalkboard, I am proposing a new area of training for teachers and for chalkboard devotees. This training will inform them of the necessary skill needed lo properly use the chalkboard as a learning tool.
I call this new area of training, "Chalkboard Management." The following class descriptions will be some courses offered.
CHALK 1 The World of Chalk
A semester long adventure into the diverse uses of chalk outside the classroom. The course also covers the origins of chalk, its history and the different colors available. The end of the course is marked by a trip to a chalk quarry and processing plant in wherever the hell they make chalk these days. Free samples will be given.
CHALK 2 Legibility and the Chalkboard
This class is highly recommended for those teachers whose class attendance has dropped because students can't read their writing, or because their illegible writing has been the reason for the partial blindness of their students. The class zeros in on sloppy handwriting and how not to make an "e" look like an "a", or a "b" like an "h" or a "g" like a "q".
CHALK 14 Proportional relationships on a Chalkboard
This course is designed for teachers who have no sense of proportion; thus resulting in the teacher writing overly large words or equations near Ihe top of the board and small, unreadable hieroglyphics on the bottom.
Other problems dealt with are, teachers who end up squeezing words to one side of the board and those teachers who write on an angle.
CHALK 22 Chalkboard Psychosis
A course highly recommended for self-conscious teachers. Chalk 22 deals with those embarrassing chalkboard related incidents such as having chalk dust smeared over your behind when backing-up into the board, breaking a piece of chalk in two when writing, or dropping a piece of chalk on to the floor.
The course helps the teacher realize and cope with the fact, that no matter how hard they try to ignore, cover-up, or joke-off these highly embarrassing incidents, they will still come off as bumbling, clumsy, and slightly spastic people.
CHALK 27 Intimidation Through Chalk
Chalk 27 shows the teacher ways he or she can use the chalkboard to maintain dominance over students. The teacher is trained in the fine art of scratching the chalkboard, thus bringing a boisterous classroom to a spine tingling hall.
Math teachers are shown how lo control problem students, by having the teacher call a student to the board to work a difficult problem. A problem the teacher knows the student will fail at before his or hers peers.
CHALK 30 Self Defense and the Chalkboard
For those teachers who work in a high-crime area or who fail students often. Chalk 30 is a must. One defense tactic shows the teacher that a chalk eraser, thrown at a certain angle and at a certain velocity, can allow the teacher to stun an intruder or any angry student for up to ten minutes. The teacher can then either run for his or her life or run to change the student's grade.
The writing is on the wall: we need better Chalkboard teacher technicians to wipe the slate clean of previous misuse.