ARIES (MAR. 21-APR. 19): Avoid all temptation; do not rush into anything you might regret in the future. Stay away from unnecessary operations. Keep your God given sex.
TAURUS (APR. 20-MAY 20: Your love life is going down hill and is picking up speed. Role playing can save your relationship. Let the mailman play the role of your lover and vice versa.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): You will be showered with money—which will be the only shower you’ll have for a week. Get the hint, people are starting to notice.
CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22):The holiday season is quickly finishing. It’s time to start your diet, so you can make a pig of yourself during the holiday meals. Love is waiting for you in a big way, be prepared.
LEO (JUL. 23-AUG. 22): The phone call you have been waiting for all week will never come. Forget about it the answer is more likely to be — positive.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Your new raise at work will cause suspicion. The disappearing acts you and your boss have been making will be investigated, Clean desks/lockers for any loose undergarments that will give you away.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT 22): That funny pain in your privates will begin to entertain you. It will begin to play tricks on you. With a good penicillin shot it will do the disappearing trick.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): You seem to be passing all your classes, so close to the end of the semester. Too bad, your teacher accidentally dropped you from the class.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22-DEC 21): You have found a new hobby;Stick to it, because that’s the only thing that will let you run your hands through it. That and the neighbors cat and that’s not even likely.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN 19): Variety is the spice of life. Be careful too much spice can kill you.
AQUARIUS (JAN, 20-FEB. 18):The nudie magazines under your bed will be discovered. You’ll have to explain why the magazines are all gay magazines.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MAR. 20): Your secret is out. A person close to you has given you away. You can no longer trust anyone with your secrets. Watch your back, someone is there watching your every move.