ARIES (MAR. 21-APR.19): The Ides of August are approaching. Beware of your closest friends. Watch your back.
TAURUS (APR. 20-MAY 20): You will soon be blamed for a tragic event. When the time comes just repeat the words of the illustrious Bart Simpson, “I didn’t do it.”
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20): You will be the talk of the town. That incident you thought was your little secret is the hot topic amongst your friends. They know what you do behind closed doors.
CANCER (JUNE21-JULY 22): You will reach a fork in the middle of the road. Drive around it. It can flatten your tire. Your love life is taking a plunge, but a life preserver is well on its way.
LEO (JUL.23-AUG. 22): The stars can see and predict all. The stars say that you will come upon a resting place and on a porcelain throne you will sit. Paper is involved.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): A long trip is in your future. For some it’s in a plane, train or an automobile. For others it is in their head.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22): What was once lost will be found. Except for one thing. No, it’s not your virginity. It’s money.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21): You will meet the man/ woman of your dreams. Then they will say, “Nice to meet you,” and walk out of your life forever.
SAGITTARIUS: (NOV. 22- DEC. 21): The check is in the mail. Your waiting will soon payoff, except the check in the mail was the same check you’ve sent to pay phone bill. The stamp fell off the letter and now it is returned. Bad luck is coming your way.
C A P R I C O R N ( D E C . 2 2 – JAN.19): Stay away, from Sagittarians. They are bad luck. Stay away from fast food for next couple of days. It will make you ill. It does not taste better the second time around.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): You will be tempted by the seven deadly sins. Gluttony will take a liking to you and might just stick around. Fight him with his arch enemy, Nitin Gadkari.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20): This is your month. All odds are in your favor. You will get lucky this year. Then you will run into a streak of bad luck to make up for all this good luck.